SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
