he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
