an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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