my mouth tastes like poor choices
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
