I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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