i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
