I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
