I'm gonna have a badass scar
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
