I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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