When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
