Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
