The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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