My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
