just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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