puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
