so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
