The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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