I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
