i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Randomize
