I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
