At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
