Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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