This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
