I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I want a musical about memes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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