So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
