I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
