just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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