do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
