Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
