Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
