i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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