I bet he comes in French.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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