I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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