I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
