i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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