watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
