you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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