he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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