I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
