so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
