I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
