dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
