Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
