and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
