I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
