Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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