am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
