Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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