So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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