And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
