So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
