guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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